Even In the Storm

I hasn't been easy. I won't lie. 

In fact, it seems it's only gotten harder. But I'm clinging to hope. 

I search for answers, for reasons. What is God trying to teach me in this? Another crushing failure. I write. I walk. I think. I pray. I dream. I set goals for myself. And then, I make a mistake. I fail. And I wonder why? What is wrong?

This isn't the first time, either. Failure is no stranger to me. And as I look into the face of my own failure and the ideal God has placed before me, I wonder: "Was I really made to be continually stuck in the valley, fighting, only to be defeated again and again and again? Was I not made to climb the mountains and go on from victory to victory?" 

I feel as though I'm swimming in an hurricane, coupled with earthquakes and tsunamis, struggling just to keep my head above water (only to be knocked under by another crushing wave). I'm blown in circles, not even sure of what direction land is anymore. And I fight, just to stay afloat. I search for answers, for reasons for this. What is God trying to teach me or change in me by this? But the answers elude me. And I fight and search some more. 

And then finally I realize, as if the simplest thing in the world: if the storm is where God has placed me, I can be content to stay there. 

And I will be. 

My Biggest Enemy (and Two Lessons)

We all have dreams. Goals for ourselves. A standard we hold ourselves to. (Or so I hope, for a high standard has been presented to us.)

I have dreams and goals for myself. A standard I hold myself to (the highest of the highest). And I really do try. But all too often I fall short. I disappoint myself. And, I wonder why. 

I'm learning something of late. I am my biggest enemy. My biggest enemy to my fulfilling my own dreams and goals. It is selfishness causes me to fall. To be unloving. Rude. Impatient. Or... You name it. 

But I'm learning something else, too. Surrender and sacrifice are my greatest friends. 

May I always choose the latter, even when it's hard. The reward is well worth it. 

Note: This is one of those posts that should never be published, but I'm going to publish it anyway, just in case it can help someone. But I still don't recommend reading it. 

I sit with pen in hand, journal open, thinking about the day. Nothing interesting happened. Nothing worth writing about. Or wait. There were just a couple lessons that stood out to me. (But only one am I writing about here.) As I thought my disappointment in myself grew. The times I had responded impatiently when mother needed me. These, they disappoint me every time. Whether it's time and a listening ear that she needs, or technical help, or advice on who-knows-what. It's annoying really (especially when it interferes with my own plans). But why? I've struggled with this for the past couple years especially. Sometimes I can do better (and, thankfully, those times are getting more often and longer). But as I think, as I write, I realize something. The only time I've had real success with this was when I was surrendering my time and plans to God. God has given me my time, and He's given me a passion for showing His true character to the world. There are hurting people all around me who I long to connect with God by first correcting the lies told them subconsciously. But I too easily forget, my mother is just as deserving of that service, and perhaps just as needy. So why do I get so impatient and annoyed? Because I forget. I forget that she needs it as much as anyone else. And I forget that my time is a trust from God, to be returned to Him in service however He calls. And I forget that these little annoyances are really opportunities for service.