In fact, it seems it's only gotten harder. But I'm clinging to hope.
I search for answers, for reasons. What is God trying to teach me in this? Another crushing failure. I write. I walk. I think. I pray. I dream. I set goals for myself. And then, I make a mistake. I fail. And I wonder why? What is wrong?
This isn't the first time, either. Failure is no stranger to me. And as I look into the face of my own failure and the ideal God has placed before me, I wonder: "Was I really made to be continually stuck in the valley, fighting, only to be defeated again and again and again? Was I not made to climb the mountains and go on from victory to victory?"
I feel as though I'm swimming in an hurricane, coupled with earthquakes and tsunamis, struggling just to keep my head above water (only to be knocked under by another crushing wave). I'm blown in circles, not even sure of what direction land is anymore. And I fight, just to stay afloat. I search for answers, for reasons for this. What is God trying to teach me or change in me by this? But the answers elude me. And I fight and search some more.
And then finally I realize, as if the simplest thing in the world: if the storm is where God has placed me, I can be content to stay there.
And I will be.